Discerning the Difference

Hello, and welcome. So glad you could join us today. Anita here with you, and this week we're talking about knowing the difference between accepting help or refusing it. When do we educate others about blindness, and when do we relax and concentrate on developing friendships? Read on, and leave your questions or comments below.

 As a blind or low vision person, sometimes we get tired of always proving ourselves capable to others. Like everyone else, we want to just relax and be ourselves. If we allow someone to get us a drink, we want that to be okay. We know we have the ability to get that drink, and usually we do get it, but maybe we're just tired. It is okay to allow someone to do things for us. People with vision also do it.

My cousin is quite capable of mowing her lawn, even though she is sighted and a woman to boot. But, she has our other cousin or someone else mow it most of the time, and that is okay. She isn't judged as helpless and inferior because of this, like you or  I might be due to our blindness. Another cousin, the mother of two very adorable boys, relies on her mom to help out with the kids. "Mom, change the baby's diaper," or "Mom, feed him this baby food." Again, she is not judged as helpless or inferior because she can see, but you or I would be thought incapable of accomplishing these goals by many people with vision.

As I've probably said in other posts, there is a time to educate, but there is also a time to forget about education because we are too busy, because we are tired, because we want to show someone else respect,  or just because we want to. The key is that, for the most part, we are independent and other people know that and the ones that don't can witness that on a regular basis by observing us independently doing things. Remember, before we get offended at someone's offered assistance or, perhaps, their forced assistance, we have to step into their shoes. They have no or little knowledge about blindness. They've been taught blindness is the most horrible thing that can happen to a person. They are reacting to us based on their concern for our welfare and because they don't know how to act any different.

Like any student learning about any other subject, they will need to start out by learning in small steps and by watching us teach them through our actions and by what we do to motivate them to learn about blindness. For example, if we rudely respond when they do something for us, what are we teaching them? Blind people aren't happy and are embarrassed about their situation. Poor soul. But what would it say if, instead, we accepted their assistance, and, if nothing else, we gave them a positive experience with a blind person. If this is a person we will see again, maybe it will open the door for him or her to take another small step toward learning about blindness through a conversation with us. It is critical that we know how and when to accept assistance and how and when to refuse it. I'm not saying we should always let someone help us because they pity the blind; I'm saying to think about the situation and how our response will communicate a message about blindness to someone else. We need to send the right message for the small step in their blindness training to occur.

My pastor's fiancee is often willing to give me a ride to Sheetz after church on Sunday, and many times, I accept the ride. This isn't a time to educate her about blindness; it is a time for me to relax and enjoy being pampered and having someone to go in the store and assist me with ordering since I generally rely on the assistance of customer service when I go there regularly throughout the week. I educate her about blindness by being independent most of the rest of the time. She has commented how she doesn't need to help me because she knows I can do it; after all, I manage during the week when she isn't in town. These comments tell me she is observing, and she has learned that I am not helpless. And, she is still learning, but she is very respectful and offers assistance. But if I refuse it, she also respects this decision.

My pastor is impressed with my ability to walk to work each day. Sometimes, blind people get offended when someone seems amazed at what we do, and this can be annoying to me at times as well. But remember they haven't been trained in the area of blindness. While the pastor over assists sometimes, he is slowly learning about the capabilities of the blind. Just the other day at our church picnic, he wanted to know how I knew when I reached the end of the block. I wasn't offended at this question. I was happy to educate. What brought this question up was that, after the picnic, I pulled out my Braille Sense Plus, and began to edit the braille manual, DUCKING INTO UEB, I am writing. Some of them were curious about the refreshable braille display and braille in general. They were also impressed because I could talk with them as I worked. I provided them with a mini lesson on blindness.

The pastor drove me to the picnic, and when we arrived, he guided me to the picnic table and made sure I was seated before he returned to the car to assist the elderly gentleman who  also rode with us. His over assistance in making sure I was safely seated was unnecessary, but I chose to allow him to do it. He was being a gentleman, and he probably was also a little uncertain about my capability to get there myself, even though he regularly observes as I travel about town. Was I telling him I was incapable when I accepted his assistance? I don't think so. I was building a connection so I could help him to take another small step toward his blindness education. When it was time to leave, I stood up from the picnic table and made my way toward the car. He made no move to offer assistance as I approached the car. I know if I requested it, he would have gladly assisted me. Did his observations of my being independent on a regular basis and my blindness mini lesson at the table help him to climb another small step? I don't know, but I'll have to ask him about that sometime.

At this same picnic, an older lady sat near me. We had a great time talking, and others occasionally walked over to sit to talk with us as well. We didn't talk about blindness. We talked about her grand kid and his friends who were out playing in the park and about how she is raising him. And, we talked about all kinds of other things I don't quite remember now. When it was time to eat, she asked if I wanted to go up with her to get my plate or if I wanted her to bring me something. I chose to let her fix my plate. In such situations, food is not always arranged in an abc order so I wouldn't know what I would be serving myself until I checked with the utensil and then I might not be able to detect the type of the food. Sure, I could have asked the person in line near me, but I like most picnic foods, and it was Sunday. I can educate these people about blindness in other ways and at other times. If I were starving, I could serve myself, but I chose not to in this situation. And, in my opinion, that is fine.

When I worked at Blind Industries and Services of MD, or BISM, I did go through many a buffet line where I served myself. Fortunately, on those occasions, the person who arranged the food described for us its order within the line. At a training center, it is important to be what I think of as over independent where you do everything for yourself and receive no assistance with any task. This is critical because oftentimes people who are blind get used to depending on others, and therefore, think blind people aren't as capable as sighted people, when, in reality, there confidence and skills are weak due to lack of use rather than lack of ability.

At a quality training center, like the one at BISM, www.bism.org, the goal is to teach blindness skills, to build confidence, and to develop a positive attitude about the capabilities of the blind. This can only be accomplished if the person fully participates in the training. Unfortunately, sometimes blind people can become so independent that they forget that it is okay to accept assistance after training is complete, but most importantly, that not everyone has experienced the intensive blindness training they have received. When they forget this, they respond inappropriately in certain situations, which tends to turn others away from such programs and/or from the National Federation of the Blind, www.nfb.org, which is unfortunate. We don't prove ourselves capable by never accepting assistance; people with vision accept assistance because they need or want it. We educate others by being independent on a regular basis and by accepting help when we need it. And, like I did at the church picnic, sometimes, we open a door where people with vision feel comfortable asking questions and where we can help them to better understand how someone without vision uses alternative blindness techniques, adaptive and accessible tools, and knowledge to successfully accomplish a goal.

Do you have any experiences you would like to share with us about learning the difference between accepting help or refusing it? We would love to hear from you. Drop us a comment or send us an email at adkinsandwells@gmail.com. We're also on Facebook at facebook.com/adkinsandwells/.

Thank you for being with us today. Be sure and come back next Thursday for another edition of "Interviews to Empower". Until then, concentrate on those friendships, and be sure to educate the sighted in our would with a smile.

Be blessed.